


When I See You Again

by JustAnotherUnderstudy



Series: I Remember Your Mom [4]
Category: Agent Carter (TV), Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Returns, Canon hurts Steve, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, First Kiss, Fix-It, I'm tired of watching Steve hurt, Kissing, Maybe more smut later, Older Woman/Younger Man, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Alternating, POV Bucky Barnes, POV Peggy Carter, POV Sarah Rogers, POV Steve Rogers, Past Bucky Barnes/Natasha Romanov, Protective Bucky Barnes, Rare Characters, Rare Pairings, Rare Relationships, To Hell with Canon, a little smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-01
Updated: 2016-09-22
Packaged: 2018-07-10 22:56:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7011649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAnotherUnderstudy/pseuds/JustAnotherUnderstudy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I fixed it for everyone. Steve's mom didn't die. Steve gets found quickly. Bucky gets found not as quickly but more quickly. And then it all goes to hell...because what kind of a story would it be if it didn't?</p><p>(The warning is for torture and stuff that happened to Bucky.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Brave New World

**Author's Note:**

> This will be a long and involved story.
> 
> The house is loosely based on this house: http://www.houzz.com/projects/757599/sea-level-drive-malibu
> 
> I know nothing more than the movies and fanfiction have given me for a backstory on any character, though I've been doing some research for this story because I got a few ideas. 
> 
> Flashbacks/memories in italics. 
> 
> Song quote at the beginning of this chapter is from Wiz Khalifa.
> 
> All this is my stuff. But I don't own the main characters. That really should go without saying, right? :)

_It's been a long day without you my friend_  
_I'll tell you all about it when I see you again._

Malibu, CA January 1950

Sarah Rogers stared out the window at the last rays of sunshine threading their fingers above the horizon of the Pacific Ocean. She glanced down at her little grandson snuggled against her chest, his breaths even with sleep.

"Time for your own bed, lad," she whispered.

Her brogue carried through the silence of the house.

She deposited the boy on the small bed, and he automatically reached for his little stuffed lion and clung to it. Even in his sleep, the two-year-old seemed aware of his parents' absence.

Sarah smiled and covered him with the blanket.

"They'll be home soon," she whispered as she gave him a kiss on the temple. "Then you can have the real thing."

The stuffed lion was one of many toys little Jamie had, but a year earlier, when his father had gone on a mission, he'd picked it up, called it "Da," and favored it anytime one of his parents was gone for a long period of time.

Sarah left the bedroom door open and walked down the hall. She opened the door to the balcony and stepped out, pulling her shawl around her tightly to ward against the cool night air.

It wasn't as cold in Malibu as it had been in Brooklyn, but it could still sink into one's bones.

 _The sea air_ , Howard Stark had explained. _The Pacific Ocean is colder than the Atlantic._

Darkness had now descended, but the January night was clear of clouds and Sarah watched as the stars appeared.

With rare exceptions, she'd never seen stars like this before. She'd spent most of her life in Dublin, then in Brooklyn. Neither city lent itself to stargazing. The exceptions had been the boat over to the United States she and her mother had taken in 1915 to escape the horror of having lost Sarah's father and two brothers in the first few months of World War 1.

There had been one other time, but Sarah didn't like to think about that time.

She'd been only 13 when she'd lost most of her family, but youth had shielded her from most of the pain. As an adult, she refused to hide from it, choosing to face it head on. It was always a terrible experience, but she reasoned it was better than pretending, or getting lost in it. But one time she learned that pretending hurt less.

She'd lost many people she'd loved in her life. She didn't dwell on it. But now she wondered if she shouldn't consider it again. It had been nearly a month since Steve had left on his latest mission. Sarah wasn't sure if it was for the Army or the SSR, but Peggy had been called up two weeks later. Sarah was in the dark about the details. She only surmised that it also involved the Howling Commandos because Gabe's mother had gone from calling once a month to once a week.

Sarah considered calling Howard. He was in New York, she thought. But there was a part of her that didn't want to know. She'd lost Steve once. Buried an empty coffin in Arlington. Consoled the woman who should have become her daughter-in-law. Then two years later he was returned to them. Whole, alive, strong, happy. Sarah still wasn't sure what to make of it all.

* * *

_Howard had sent the car around, his man, Jarvis, driving. Peggy had called ahead, but it still seemed strange to see such a fancy car in the neighborhood. Her neighbors all watched her as she got in and was driven away._

_She had no idea what was going on but from Jarvis' manner it didn't seem as if it would be a bad thing._

_Peggy met her out front of Howard Stark's New York mansion and hurried her inside. The woman had been crying but her face was one full of joy. Sarah thought for one brief terrifying moment that Peggy was going to tell her that she and Howard were going to be married. Sarah wasn't sure she'd be able to hold her tongue. Howard wasn't a completely vile man, but Peggy deserved better._

_Instead she said something incongruous with her obvious excitement._

_"Howard found Stephen."_

_Just then, Howard entered the hallway. He was obviously happy as well. Sarah couldn't understand why. So, Steve's body had been recovered. Was it so joyous to have this level of closure? Now Steve's grave would have to be dug up. His body buried. And they'd have to relive the pain._

_Then Howard explained, but it still made no sense._

_"Alive."_

_Sarah knew it was no joke, neither Peggy nor Howard would joke about something like this._

_Sarah drew herself up, all five feet of herself, and straightened her shoulders._

_"I wish to see him myself," she demanded._

_Howard nodded and turned back to the door he'd just exited.  
_

_Sarah stepped into the room. The windows were open and the fresh Spring breeze billowed the drapes toward a bed in the center of the room._

_Steve lay there. The new Steve. The one changed by the Army then used by them and lost by them. The one who looked far too much like Sarah's father and brothers after his transformation._

_"Momai," he said.  
_

_"Mac?" Sarah was both surprised and upset at the shaky way the word came out._

_"Mac," he said and smiled._

_And that smile, with the eyes, was her Steve._

_Sarah sat on the edge of his bed and they held each other. She cried, but she never asked why. She didn't need to. It was the serum. That was obvious. Whatever the Army had given him made him... Sarah shuddered at the thought she'd had, then she cried more. Not in joy, but in sadness at what her son faced in his future. She had buried a good many family and friends in her life. But Steve, with this serum, would also be forced to stand by and watch as his friends grew old, and he didn't. Watch as their bodies failed, but his didn't. He would bury everyone he loved, she knew, and he would live on. And she hated the Army more now than ever._

* * *

Sarah turned back from her contemplative spot and went inside. She shut the doors and locked them, then wandered the upstairs and downstairs to check each room and window. Howard had installed the best security money could buy starting at the perimeter of the property, but Sarah didn't like to take chances.

Steve hadn't wanted everyone to know he was alive. So Howard had given them this house in California, and Peggy had transferred to the Los Angeles branch of the SSR. Sarah had gone with them because none of the three of them wanted to part now. Steve and Peggy had been married quietly here in the garden. Only the minister, Howard, members of the Howling Commados, the Jarvis,' and, to Sarah's dismay, one Colonel Chester Phillips.

Sarah had never expected Steve to remain homebound the rest of his life, but the thought of him giving more of his life to the government was not something that pleased her.

And the thought of them knowing he was alive was troublesome to more than just she.

The hushed arguments between Peggy, Howard, and Steve had lead to Steve remaining officially deceased. Sarah had been pleasantly surprised when Colonel Phillips agreed.

Between Howard, and connections in the SSR, Steve's existence remained secret as long as possible. Even after they'd decided to have children.

With most of the country's attention on the Red Scare, news about an unknown man taking on the mantel of Captain America produced little curiosity, only more patriotism.

Now Sarah wondered if the truth hadn't leaked out and someone had finally come after her little family.

She shook her head as she removed her robe and hung it on the bedpost.

The opulence Howard lived in was toned down in this place, but to Sarah, it was still better than anything she'd ever had, even before her father had died.

She turned off the side light and pulled the covers up over her and snuggled down into the warm flannel sheets. And said a prayer for Steve's and Peggy's safe return.

* * *

The phone call came in the middle of the night but Sarah immediately jumped out of the bed and flew toward the hall phone. Her dreams had been ones of misery and loss and now she feared the news this call woild bring.

"Mom, it's Steve, we're back in the states," he said.

"You and Peggy?"

"Yes, she's fine, but we won't be home until tomorrow," he said. "We have some things to take care of."

"As long as you're safe," she said.

"Yeah, mom, we all are now," he said.

Sarah hung up the phone not nearly as relieved as she should have been. There was something about Steve's voice, something that told her he was worried. Steve was never a worrier, he was a doer. And if Steve was worried, there was trouble, very serious trouble. 


	2. Without You Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took me a while to write this chapter. Got stuck with the fight scene. Not my forte'. Make love, not war, and all that. Hope it's worth the wait. Steve and Peggy kiss and then some so hopefully that makes up for the delay. Lol.
> 
> Some dialog is from CA:TWS, and the characters belong to Marvel. But everything else is mine.

Steve leaned against the wall next to the phone and groaned. He heard Peggy walking up the hall but didn't move from his position. She leaned against him and he took her into his arms.

"How am I supposed to tell her?" he asked.

"You could wait," Peggy said but it was only an offering, they both knew that to keep this from Sarah wouldn't be wise.

After a moment Peggy removed herself from his embrace and pulled him toward the team.

He'd seen his friends shell-shocked before, but that had worn off. It had been 48 hours since the extraction, yet you couldn't tell that by looking at them. He took a seat next to Peggy but no one so much as turned to look at him. It was another hour before he heard the irregular footsteps of Daniel Sousa. And Steve groaned again, but for a different reason.

It had to be Daniel, Peggy had reasoned. He was one of the few in their inner circle and Steve was going to want to be involved 100 percent. But Steve had never been able to forgive the man for not trusting Peggy that first year the two had worked together, the year before he'd been returned to her, and personally blamed Daniel for everything she'd had to go through. Peggy told him he was being irrational, but Steve had never been entirely rational where she was concerned.

He looked up as Daniel stopped next to them.

"We have him contained and he should be safe and unable to escape," he said.

This was the part Steve hated most. He understood its necessity, but he didn't have to like it.

He nodded.

"Can I see him?" He asked.

"Through the glass only," Daniel said. 

Steve sighed and followed Sousa back down the hall.

Steve stared at the unconscious man on the other side of the glass window.  His hair was longer now, his face had taken on harsher lines, but it was definitely Bucky.

"He looked right at me and he didn't know me," he said quietly to Peggy. 

"It's not your fault, Stephen," she said and slid her hand into his.

Steve leaned his head against the glass.

"Even when I had nothing, I had Bucky."

* * *

  _December 27, 1949 Washington, DC_

_Steve stared across the small hotel table at Colonel Phillips._

_"These were taken last week?" He asked. He'd already been given that information but Steve wasn't sure he had accepted what he was seeing._

_"Not sure why you find it hard to believe," Phillips said._

_"Well, it's one thing that I lived..." Steve trailed off._

_"You think I never noticed Barnes' enhanced abilities after you rescued him?" The colonel cut to the chase._

_Steve let out a slow breath._

_"I didn't know it would save him from a 300-foot fall," he said._

_"Well, it saved you from worse," Phillips said._

_"No, I mean at the time, when Bucky...when he fell, I never thought we were..." he trailed off again._

_"Immortal?" Phillips asked._

_Steve only nodded._

_"Do they know we're coming?" He asked._

_"It's always a possibility," Phillips said._

_"Just us?"_

_"You, me, the Commandos," Phillips said. "You want Peggy in?"_

_"Not yet," he said._

_He never held his wife back from pursuing her career at the SSR, and even occasionally called her in on his own missions, but it was still early and they tried to work as separately as possible for Jamie's and Sarah's sake._

_In the end, he'd called her. Two weeks later when the Dum Dum explained to him exactly what they were up against with this Red Room and how Peggy had faced their assassins before, he reluctantly pulled her in._

_But as always he was glad he had._

_"Commies are stupid," Gabe stated as Peggy deposited the General on the floor of their hotel room in Hellsinki. "They make regular use of women this way, yet they don't think anyone else will."_

_"Unfortunately, Gabriel, men will be men," Peggy smirked at him._

_Steve cleared his throat to end that conversation. He didn't like to use Peggy this way, but he couldn't argue it was ineffective. The guys would have had to rough him up and drag him in and that would have brought attention. Peggy simply flirted with the guy, promised him a good night, and he got into the car Dernier was driving._

_Chet handed a syringe to Peggy._

_"Alright, then," Peggy said. "We'll see how this works."_

_Steve wasn't a spy, as Peggy liked to tease, but he had come to realize that sometimes the less physical route was favorable._

_The lights were turned down and Peggy roused the man by slowly slapping his face._

_It took a mere 30 minutes to learn all they could about the so-called Winter Soldier. Including the fact that he was currently kept at a Red Room facility 50 miles outside Stalingrad._

_Dum Dum rolled out the map and began to mark the location._

_Steve thought they were finished, but Peggy had a few more questions._

_"How is HYDRA involved?"_

_The men stilled and turned back toward their captive._

_"After the war, many members were on the run. They came to us for help," he explained._

_"Is that how the Asset ended up in your hands?" She asked._

_"Yes, two HYDRA doctors brought him and explained how he had been chosen by Dr. Zola for experimentation while a POW and that it had worked, the man had survived a fall from great heights and only lost an arm for it."_

_"And how does the Red Room use him?" Peggy asked._

_"He is an assassin," he said. "One of our best."_

_Steve's jaw clenched but Peggy gave him a hard look so he turned away and controlled his anger._

_"He also trains with our best," he added._

" _Your best Black Widows?" Peggy asked._

_The man began to rattle off information now, about HYDRA and the Black Widow program. Peggy started taking notes, and the others in the room stilled._

_They hadn't expected this. They had thought he'd only answer their questions easily._

_Steve looked at Dum Dum and the man nodded. It was good intel, it coincided with what they already knew. So they listened as he prattled on like a drunk in a confessional._

_"You'll never find him," he said in the middle of his monologue._

_"Never find whom?" Peggy asked._

_"The Soldier," he said. "He's buried deep."_

_"He's in Stalingrad, " Peggy reminded him._

_The general laughed._

_"That's what they want me to think," he said. "They think I'm an old stupid man with too much an affinity for wine, women, and song."_

_"But you know where he is," Peggy said._

_"Of course I know, I have my own people, they keep me, how you say? 'In the loop,'' he explained._

_"Where is he?"_

_"Some place you'll never look," he said._

_There seemed to be a collective holding of breath._

_"London," he said._

_"England?"_

_"Yes, he's gone there on an assignment, Stalingrad is just a set up.  They're ready for you there," he said._

_"What is his assignment in London?"_

_"Penny."_

_"Penny, what's the last name?"_

_"William Penney."_

_Peggy paused._

_"He's running HER," she said._

_The man nodded._

_"The British are building their own bomb," he said._

_This wasn't exactly secret information.  Steve couldn't understand how killing Penney would prevent the Brits from getting their own nuclear bomb._

_"How does that help you?" Peggy asked._

_"Chaos," he said. "It creates chaos, causes delays. They are very close."_

_"Where can we find the Asset in London?"_

_"That, I do not know, but Penney will be killed there, the Winter Soldier is good at what he does."_

_Steve looked at Peggy, the question he'd had since he'd seen the picture of Bucky three weeks earlier at the forefront of his mind. Peggy gave him a sympathetic look and nodded._

_"How is it that an American POW kills for you?"_

_"We changed his mind."_

_"How?"_

_"The usual ways, I'm sure you know."_

_"No, I'm afraid I don't."_

_"Deprivation, torture, rape, electrocution, anything that will break his mind,"_

_The way the tension increased in the room, Steve was certain it was only Peggy's presence that restrained the men._

_"HYDRA began the process, and we at the Red Room have used our own techniques to reinforce the bending of his mind,"_

_He continued, in detail, and Steve had to leave the room. He stood in the hall trying to get himself under control, a difficult task considering he felt like he could tear this entire building down with his bare hands._

_When Peggy was finished she left the room as the men set it up to look as if the general had exactly what he'd expected when Peggy had lead him from the bar hours earlier. Then they returned to their own rooms. No one was in much of a mood to talk. The colonel was making arrangements for transport to London and Peggy contacted the SSR branch._ _She returned to their room and sat next to Steve in the edge of the bed._

_"I should have looked for him when Howard found me," Steve said._

_Peggy sighed the sort of sigh that said she already knew what he was going to say._

_"You can't let yourself feel guilty for this," she said._

_"But I should have suspected,"  he said  
_

_"Really? Steve, I told Howard to stop looking for you," she said.  
_

_"But he didn't," Steve replied  
_

_"Exactly, and should I feel guilty because you were alive and I told him to stop his search?" She asked.  
_

_"Of course not," he said.  
_

_"Then why should you?" She asked. "There are plenty of real things we should feel guilty about without adding burdens."_

_Steve nodded, but the thoughts of what Bucky had endured all these years still weighed heavy._

_Peggy turned his face toward hers and kissed him._

_"Peggy?"_

_They didn’t make love while they were on assignment together. Neither felt it was appropriate._

_"Steve, you need to," she said._

_He did, he knew. He could do without if she hadn't asked, but he needed his connection to her, needed to ground himself again. And there was something about making love to Peggy that cleared his mind, reminded him who he was._

_It was all clinical at first. Peggy stood to undress herself and Steve looked at his hands in answer to why. They were shaking. He hadn't even noticed. He was angry, overwhelmed. He balled his hands into fists._

_"I'll hurt you," he said._

_"No, you won't," she said._

_She was always sure and confident. It made him remember the time he'd broken her, made her cry. When Phillips had seen him for the first time after Howard found him he warned Steve that he'd better never hurt Peggy the way he had when he downed the Valkyrie._

_"Stephen," Peggy's voice broke through his thoughts._

_She put her hand on his chin and lifted his face. She was naked and beautiful. But he only looked at her eyes. She began to undress him. Steve was surprised at himself. Despite the state of his wife's undress, he could barely muster the slightest arousal. There was too much in his head right now. The words the general said, the facts Steve knew, the things that must have been said after he left the room that he didn't want to know at all._

_Peggy lay down on the bed and Steve was aware he was sitting and that she had finished undressing him. He leaned over her and kissed her on the lips. Then he slowly moved his lips and his hands across her body. He already knew her, knew every part that would bring a sigh or a moan. Her breath was a whisper as she said his name and with each sigh, Steve found himself becoming aroused. Slowly, he lost himself in her, shut out everything in his mind the way he could only do when he was with Peggy like this. God, what did he do before her? How did anything ever make sense?  
_

_His mind felt warm and soft by the time he pulled her on top of him. He loved to watch Peggy ride him. The way she took command. The look in her eyes as she pushed herself to achieve her own pleasure. He took her breasts in his hands and smiled as her eyes rolled back in her head. Then he slid one hand between them. He pressed against her clit and she began to quiver around him._

_"Peggy, it feels so good, so perfect, please," he said. He needed her to cum before he did. Wanted her to ride him to a second orgasm. He loved it when they achieved that._

_She tightened around him and Steve lowered his other hand to her hips to hold her tightly as he continued to thrust through her orgasm. She was shaking and her hair was matted to her face in sweat. She looked beautiful in the throws of her pleasure. He flipped them over and thrust into her hard while his hand worked her clit._

_"Cum with me again," he said. "Please, I need to feel you again."_

_"Stephen," his name hissed out between her clenched teeth._

_He shifted himself slightly and she whimpered when he hit her just right._

_"Yes," her voice was quiet but needy and Steve kept up his thrusts and tried to hold on._

_"Let go, Stephen," she whispered. "Please."_

_Her 'please' undid him. Steve released himself and covered her mouth with his as he growled in pleasure. Then he collapsed, panting. Peggy had one hand in his hair, the other rubbed his back gently, consoling._

_He pulled her into his arms as he rolled off her and kissed her sweaty brow._

_"I love you," he murmured as he closed his eyes and willed himself to sleep._

* * *

S _teve had to admit that Peggy had certainly improved the quality of SSR spies over the previous two years. He could hardly tell there was added security around Penney or any of his people at HER._

_Steve was staying in the background as much as possible. Waiting to be called in. Their best bet for an assassination attempt that would cause the most stir was a conference Penney would be speaking at. The SSR was running checks and Peggy had been given control of the operation._

_Steve wished they filmed newsreels of her. He would obtain all of them and watch them repeatedly. It was a wonder. She could think of most every angle and outsmarted the men more often than not. She'd told him it was because she had to find ways to stand out whereas a man could get by on force alone._

_He'd laughed at her because Jarvis had told him about her fighting skills so he imagined she'd also be able to take down nearly every man who worked for her._

_The dreary weather helped too. Gave him an excuse for a coat and hat. He died his hair now for missions, but he was oddly more recognized in England than in the US._

_They'd been at their surveillance for three days and he knew his guys were going stir crazy. He wasn't doing much better himself. He felt more than a little guilty that he had Peggy with him. He knew their friends respected her but he didn't want what had happened in Hellsinki to become their normal way of operating._

_They were in place at the conference the third night. Security had been tightened and Falstaff and Dernier were dressed as guards. Steve was waiting for the signal dressed in his Captain America uniform. The only thing different about this assignment is that Steve had re-dyed his hair to be his natural color. He had reasoned that if Bucky saw him, he'd recognize him. There had been a huge argument about that. If he was recognized by anyone else, his cover would be permanently blown and he wouldn't be able to keep the secret of his return._

_As the conference began, he and Falstaff began their search of the building. As he walked the perimeter of the building Steve became more and more uneasy. The situation was not set up for a sniper. There was no good place to set up a rifle. Dernier had suggested a bomb and there were dogs still sniffing around for anything, but so far that had come up empty as well._

_What if the information they'd been given was incomplete, or flat out wrong? What if the general had been played? What if they'd been played?_

_Steve shoved the thoughts aside. What if's weren't going to help him find Bucky._

_When he rounded a corner outside the building to enter the alleyway, he heard something above him. Steve barely had time to jump out of the way before a man was on top of him._

_The fight was more intense than Steve was used to. Bucky was strong, at least as strong as Steve. And his metal arm appeared to be impervious to Steve's attacks. He slammed it against the shield and Steve lost control of it and it flew out of his hand. Bucky got a stab in with a small knife he had concealed in his sleave. Steve would make sure to mention that to Howard. Steve retrieved his shield and pressed on. He pulled his mask off finally to allow Bucky to see him, but Bucky didn't seem phased at all._

_"Bucky." Steve said._

_"Who the hell is Bucky?"_

_Bucky threw another punch at Steve who blocked it and returned with one of his own, catching Bucky in the chest._

_"You are," Steve said. "You are Sargeant James Buchanan Barnes. Army Infantry 107th."_

_Steve started to take the fight to Bucky. He knew the chances of his friend recognizing him were slim and he really just needed to get him into a position where DumDum or Peggy could get the sedative into him._

_"You're my friend," Steve said._

_"Your my mission," Bucky replied._

_His words surprised Steve. And as the reality sank in, Steve's fight became more desperate. If Steve was truly Bucky’s mission, then the Red Room and possibly HYDRA knew he was alive. That placed Peggy and Jamie and his mother at risk. He had to get Bucky and find out what they knew. Did they know about his family? How did they learn? The SSR had created a fictitious persona for the new Captain America. Was there another mole in the Reserve?_

_Finally, Steve got a grip around Bucky’s neck with his arm. Unfortunately for Steve, Bucky had another knife in his sleeve and buried it in Steve's leg. He screamed from the pain and knocked the blade from Bucky's hand as he went to make another stab. Bucky grabbed at Steve's arm, trying to pull him off. But Steve held on. He pinned Bucky's real arm under his leg and Bucky slowly began to succumb to the lack of oxygen. He signaled for the team to move in and Peggy pulled the syringe out and jabbed it in Bucky’s arm. Finally, Bucky stilled and Steve relaxed his hold as the team moved in to transport Bucky._

_Steve was still trying to catch his breath as Bucky was put into the back of the truck. Peggy waited by the door for him to climb in. Dum dum climbed into the driver's seat and started the engine. The others climbed into the other trucks._

_Finally he walked over to Peggy and held her in his arms._

" _They know," he said. "They know I'm alive."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"He said I was his mission," Steve said._

_Peggy nodded and extracted herself from his arms. Steve climbed in the back and Peggy took the seat next to Dum Dum after shutting the back door. Steve watched Bucky sleep and tried to process what had just happened. He didn't know how they'd figured it out. He was careful to not allow his face to be seen when he was wearing the uniform. He'd hate it if there was a mole. He hated the idea that any one of the few people who knew might be traitors._

_Bucky didn't stir the entire drive. But as they passed through the gate, Steve noticed a slight change in his breathing. Anyone else wouldn't have been able to tell. This time Steve didn't hesitate. He was on Bucky and holding him down as he tried to break free of the restraints._

_That's how his team found them. Gabe quickly jabbed another syringe into Bucky's leg and they only struggled another minute before Steve felt Bucky weaken._

_The flight home was more of the same and the team debated just leaving him in New York, but there weren't enough people they trusted in the New York branch of the SSR. So after a stop over at Howard's hangar, they started onto the last leg to Los Angeles. Peggy had contacted Daniel from New York and leveled a threatening glare back at Steve's glower which made the other Commandos laugh._

_"God, when Barnes sees the way she reigns you in," Gabe laughed._

_It was the only moment like that the entire month. It didn't relieve any of the pressure they all felt or the guilt or the sorrow. They all knew what Bucky had endured and how did one process that? How did one help a friend who had gone through what Bucky had suffered?_

* * *

The sun was shining high over the house when Steve drove the car up the drive. He saw his mother waiting, holding Jamie in her arms. He was waving wildly.

He jumped out of his grandmother's arms when the car stopped. He went to Peggy first and she held him. Steve walked around the car and embraced both of them. Jamie was prattling on about everything they'd missed. Steve glanced over at his mother and saw the strain displayed on her face. He sighed and lead them inside.

He guided them into the living room, or parlor as Peggy and his mother called it. He gave Jamie his attention as long as he could before letting his son know he and Peggy had to talk with Sarah. Jamie could stay, but he needed to be quiet for a few minutes.

It turned out a few minutes were all he needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to drop it there but this chapter got really long.
> 
> William Penney was a real person who really worked on nuclear bombs, both the Manhattan Project and then for HER after the war. HER stands for High Explosive Research, so I think it goes down as the worst codename ever.
> 
> Many thanks to Wikipedia for all real information.


	3. Will You Remember Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From Peggy's pov

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One thing to note, S2 of Agent Carter would obviously have looked a lot different with Steve in the picture. Instead of rewriting the season, I'm just not going to mention it. ;)

Jamie shifted on Peggy's lap and watched his father with rapt attention. He seemed to know Steve was going to say something important. Steve finally cleared his throat and looked at Sarah.

"Mom, I don't really know how to tell you this."  
  
Steve took a deep breath and reached for Sarah's hands. He gave them a squeeze.  
  
"Um, you know I told you about how I first found Bucky? When he'd been a POW?"  
  
Sarah nodded. Her face tense. Peggy had never asked Steve how much he'd shared with his mother.  
  
"He was, well, Zola, a HYDRA scientist, he, uh, he experimented on Bucky."  
  
The change in Sarah was immediate and startling. She shifted from fear to that face everyone knew better on her son. The one that broadcast that there was going to be hell to pay.  
  
"Where is he?" she asked.  
  
"He's underground at the SSR here in LA," Steve said.  
  
Sarah was visibly shaking.  
  
"I want to see him," she said.  
  
Steve nodded and turned to Peggy.  
  
"I'll call Jarvis," she said.  
  
After Steve and Peggy had moved to California Howard had sent the Jarvis' to his California residence. Ana came over several times a week to help with the household duties and cook if Steve and Peggy were both gone. And occasionally watch Jamie. Jarvis still watched Peggy's back in an unofficial capacity, which gave Steve a special affinity for the man when Peggy supposed the usual reaction from a husband would have been jealousy and a command for her to stay away.  
  
Peggy quickly explained the situation and both Jarvis' arrived together 30 minutes later.  
  
Peggy took the backseat with Sarah in the car. There was something fierce about the woman. It reminded Peggy of Steve as he went to take down HYDRA after Bucky fell from the train. Peggy had never considered deeply how Sarah felt for Bucky. She hadn't known Steve's mother when Bucky died, or before. And since she had met her before Steve's funeral, Sarah hadn't mentioned Bucky. Except one day...  
  
After the service at Arlington for Captain America Peggy noticed Sarah had slipped away from the group. She looked around and saw she was at another grave.  
  
She approached the kneeling woman. It was quiet here and Peggy could hear Sarah saying something in Gaelic. Her hand was on the white stone and when Peggy walked around to face her, she saw the name "James Buchanan Barnes."  
  
Sarah saw her from the corner of her eye and stopped speaking. She took a deep breath and wiped her eyes with her handkerchief before she stood and faced Peggy.  
  
Sarah never spoke of Bucky again. She spoke little of Steve, but Bucky’s name was never mentioned. And now that Peggy thought over the past few years since Steve had been recovered, she realized that whenever Steve or someone else mentioned Bucky Sarah would excuse herself from the conversation. It must be apparent to everyone because Steve and the Commandos had stopped mentioning him when Sarah was with them.  
  
Steve had explained that Sarah had lost too many people to war, her father and brothers. Her husband. Steve. Bucky. It was too much for her. Peggy could well imagine. She'd been fortunate. Her father had lived through the first war. She had lost friends and she had lost Steve. But Sarah had lost almost everyone. Peggy had thought that the reason for her reaction to Bucky. But sitting next to her now, Peggy had to wonder. This wasn't the reaction she was expecting.  
  
Steve was explaining that Bucky didn't remember anything. And giving her a small amount of information about how he'd been brainwashed into working for the enemy. And the anger rolling off Sarah increased. Peggy caught Steve's eye in the rear-view mirror and gave him a warning look and he stopped talking. The rest of the drive to the office downtown was silent.  
  
Daniel handed Sarah a temporary pass and the four entered the elevator and descended to the sub-basement. They walked down the hall and when they stopped in front of the mirror, Peggy feared Sarah would break it.  
  
"Why is he bound?"  
  
Daniel didn't know Steve very well or he wouldn't have been so patronizing in his response to Sarah. Peggy however knew that tone and stance well. She had never considered that Steve would have been like his mother. His father had died before he was born. But Peggy hadn't seen this side of Sarah. Everything about Steve became more clear now.

His respect for women that was uncommon. His understanding of Peggy and what she needed to do. His sense of justice. All of this he'd learned from his mother. Peggy felt foolish that with all she felt she stood for to never have thought of it that way.  
  
Sarah did not respond well to Daniel's explanation.  
  
"How do you expect him to trust us if you have him tethered like a beast?"  
  
Daniel was obviously taken aback by Sarah's fierce response.  
  
"Well, the doctors and nurses can't really attend to him if..."  
  
"If he has the serum, he's no need for doctors," she interrupted.  
  
Daniel looked to Peggy for help but Peggy knew where this was going and she shook her head slightly. This was a fight only Sarah was going to win.  
  
"I want to go in and see him,"  
  
"Uh," Daniel looked at Peggy again who nodded this time.  
  
Daniel sighed.  
  
"Mrs. Rogers."  
  
"Don't, " she raised her hand. "Just let me in to speak with him."  
  
As Daniel led Sarah around to the door Peggy finally looked at Steve. Her husband had a satisfied smirk on his face.  
  
"You knew she'd do this."  
  
Steve nodded.  
  
"I must have been about three, I was in the hospital and they told her she had to go home at the end of visiting hours."  
  
Steve chuckled and shook his head.  
  
"I suspect that wasn't what happened, " Peggy said.  
  
"What a row," Steve said. "Nurses, doctors, and a hospital administrator. She stared them all down. This tiny little woman, all these authorities standing over her."  
  
Steve's eyes grew wet.  
  
"I never felt so important," he said. "I mean, I knew she loved me, but I was so scared. After that I was never afraid of anything again."  
  
Peggy smiled at him then leaned against his shoulder. He put his arm around her as they watched Sarah enter the room.  
  
There was a speaker so they could hear the conversation and Daniel remained in the room just in case.  
  
Bucky stared at Sarah. Peggy could tell he was assessing the threat level.  
  
"You a nurse?" He asked.  
  
"I am, but not here," she said.  
  
If it hadn't been so serious, the staring match would have made Peggy laugh. Peggy was as surprised as Daniel when she watched Bucky acquiesce to Sarah.  
  
"What will you do, love, if I have them remove the restraints? "  
  
Bucky narrowed his eyes.  
  
"Who are you?" He asked. "KGB?"  
  
Sarah scoffed.  
  
"While I am sure not all Irish or American are loyal, that's certainly not my case," she said.  
  
After several minutes of silence Sarah spoke.  
  
"You don't remember who I am."  
  
A statement, not a question.  
  
Bucky shook his head.  
  
"You're with him," Bucky said. "The one who said I should know him. "  
  
Sarah nodded.  
  
"He's here?"  
  
She nodded toward the window.  
  
Bucky looked but would only be able to see his own reflection.  
  
"What did he tell you?"  
  
"He said my name was James Buchanan Barnes, but he called me Bucky,"  
  
"What do they call you?"  
  
"Soldier," he said.  
  
"Dehumanizing," she said.  
  
Bucky stared at her obviously unsure what she was trying to do.  
  
"Who am I?" he asked.  
  
"You are who he said."  
  
"He said he was my friend."  
  
Sarah nodded slowly. Peggy was not surprised at the intensity of the emotions on Sarah's face, but Bucky seemed to be.  
  
"That matters to you."  
  
He was probing for information and Peggy hoped Sarah knew what she was doing.  
  
"You are his best friend."  
  
"I don't have friends," his voice was harsh. "Friendship is weakness."  
  
"Doesn't surprise me they'd tell you that, makes you more vulnerable."  
  
"That's exactly what friendship does."  
  
Sarah shook her head.  
  
"No, I mean to say that they told you that to make you vulnerable."  
  
He eyed Sarah warily.  
  
"Who are you?" Bucky asked.  
  
Peggy tensed involuntarily and Steve tightened his hold.  
  
"It's OK," he said. "She won't say more than she should."  
  
Peggy nodded. Barnes was drawing Sarah into conversation and Peggy was afraid he would be able to find out more than he should until they were able to bring him all the way back to them.  
  
"You look like him," Bucky said.  
  
Sarah nodded.  
  
"You're related."  
  
She nodded again.  
  
They stared at each other and Peggy waited. After several silent moments, Bucky's brows drew together in concentration. After a few more moments they relaxed and he opened his mouth. He shut it again and Peggy found herself impatient. It must have been obvious because Steve chuckled beside her.

"You worry too much," he said.

"I, uh, I remember you," Bucky said. His voice stopped Peggy from responding to Steve's verbal jab.

She glanced up at Steve who appeared to be less hopeful and more preparing himself for disappointment.

"You're his mom," Bucky said.

Peggy watched Sarah now. The woman didn't acknowledge what Bucky said, she was still just watching him.

"Sarah," he said. His voice was barely a whisper and something unidentifiable flashed across Sarah's face before she spoke.

"HYDRA could have told you," she said.

"HYDRA told me about Captain America," he told her. "They said he was a threat, I needed to take him out."

"They told you nothing else?" she asked.

Peggy felt her mouth fall open slightly when she realized that Sarah Rogers had been interrogating Bucky the entire time. She'd thought her mother-in-law was only worried about Bucky's treatment but, well, if this didn't beat all, as Steve often said.

"They said he was a threat to the country, to freedom," he said.

"Did they tell you where to find him?" she asked.

"They said he'd be in London and they gave me an address and a date," he said.

Peggy noticed something odd about Bucky then. It was almost as if he was going into a trance. Sarah must have noticed it too because she stepped forward and took Bucky's bound hand, the one nearest her, which happened to be his flesh one, and held it.

"Bucky," she said quietly. "Love," she whispered.

And then Bucky lost it. He began shaking, his face filled with terror.

"Get away from me," Bucky yelled. "Don't touch me."

Sarah dropped his hand but only moved one step back. Her initial look of alarm was suppressed quickly. Steve however stiffened.

"Oh, god, what," Bucky's voice cut off in a strangled cry. His body writhed and Peggy thought if he wasn't bound he might pull himself into a ball.

Daniel moved toward Sarah and placed his hand on her shoulder. But Sarah raised hers in response as if to tell him to wait a moment. After several minutes Bucky regained control of himself, but he was still shaking slightly. He had a dazed look on his face.

"Don't take off the restraints, love," he said to Sarah. "I don't want to hurt you, and I will."

Sarah closed her eyes and Peggy watched a single tear rolled down her face. There was another length of silence from the room and Peggy concentrated on Steve who was trying to keep his breathing regulated.

"Do you want one of us to stay with you, love?" Sarah asked.

Bucky closed his eyes, his body slowly relaxed. Peggy thought he had fallen asleep, his breath was regular and his face looked slack. But Sarah didn't move.

Then Bucky's mouth opened, a single word fell out. "Yes," he said, barely loud enough for Peggy to hear.

"Bring me a chair," Sarah ordered Daniel.

This time, Daniel didn't bother to argue. He came out of the room and had the nurse bring in as comfortable a chair as she could find on this floor.

As Sarah settled into her seat next to Bucky, Daniel took Steve upstairs to his office to debrief him and Peggy watched her mother-in-law through the glass. After several minutes of silence she heard Sarah begin to sing softly in Gaelic. As she sang, Bucky's body relaxed even more. After several minutes a slight snore began to escape his mouth. Sarah sang on for a few more minutes, the song even began to soothe Peggy's worn nerves and she slowly turned away to go upstairs, but as she did so, Sarah's voice cracked and Peggy turned and saw she had begun to cry.

She left the nurse with instructions to keep a close eye on Sarah and make sure she rested and ate, then she joined her husband upstairs. She wondered what the song was that Sarah sang, but more, she wondered at the emotions Sarah had. Yes, what Bucky had suffered disturbed them all but Sarah, well, something seemed different in Sarah's response, more than just the fact that she'd lost so many people to war as Steve had excused. But Peggy couldn't come up with a good explanation.


	4. In the Corner of the Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got a lot of the ideas here from all the post-Avengers 1 fanfics I've read.

Bucky walked down the long corridor. The air was frigid and he could see his breath, but he felt nothing. He came to a red door. The color was out of place, it didn't fit the drab environment. He touched it and found the paint still wet. Pushing open the door he saw a young woman sitting on a cot. Her red hair as out of place as the door. The look of love in her eyes was even moreso. Had anyone ever loved him? He couldn't remember. 
    
    
      "Джеймс." (James)
    

She called his name quietly as he shut the red door. 

"Наталья. Любо́вь." (Natalia. Love.)

She laughed at him and pulled him down on top of her as she lay back on the bed. He pressed his lips against hers, then trailed them down her neck. She was whispering her pleasure. Bucky wasn't sure how he understood the Russian language but he knew he should be here with her.

He skimmed his hand down her side to her ass and squeezed. She moaned encouragingly and Bucky slid his hand in front and pressed his palm between her legs.

He hummed as she reacted by pressing herself against his hand and grinding on his palm.

Bucky was happily teasing her when he finally noticed the change.

He looked over and where the wall had been concrete there was faded flower wallpaper and where the bed had been pressed against the wall, it was now pulled away and a nightstand was between the bed and the wall. On the nightstand was a small candle on a dish and a brush. But the brush didn't have red hair in it at all. In between the bristles were long strands of blonde hair.

The voice in his ear had changed as well. No longer was the Russian spoke in deep throaty tones. The voice lilted in a beautiful language, almost musical.

Bucky raised himself on his elbow. Beneath him was a blonde woman. She looked up at him with love in her eyes. It was a different kind of love though. The Russian had been playful, it was almost a game. This woman had the love only long experience taught someone.

"James. Love."

* * *

He jerked awake and tried to pull his hands toward his face only to find them restrained. Had he awoke during the middle of a reprogramming? But looking around he saw the white walls that looked nothing like any Red Room facility he'd ever been in.

He leaned back on the pillow, a very nice, soft pillow, no old feathers sticking out and pricking him on his face or shoulders. A quiet noise beside him drew his attention. There next to him was the blonde woman from his dream.

"I dreamed of you," he said without thinking.

She blushed.

"I hope it was pleasant, love," she said.

"Who are you?" He asked.

"You'll remember in time," she said.

"Where am I?" He asked.

"A place where your old friends can help you, " she said.

"Are you a doctor?" Bucky asked.

He was starting to feel nervous. He'd had visits from Red Room doctors. They were never pleasant. But the woman shook her head. She wasn't very forthcoming.

"How did I get here?" He asked.

"Apparently you were sent to assassinate Captain America and they were able to subdue you and bring you back," she said.

"Captain America? "

She nodded.

He stared at her for a while, trying to get a read on her. She seemed almost resigned, as if this was an old conversation. 

"How long have I been here?"

"Five days."

He turned his gaze toward the ceiling and thought on that for a while. 

"Are you always here when I wake?"

"No, once there was another, but you didn't take well to him."

"Who?"

"Captain America"

He closed his eyes.

"My mission."

"Yes."

His mind began putting pieces together.

"Steve," he said. "Your son."

"Yes."

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," she said.

"He was my friend," he said. "He told me we were friends, and I tried to kill him."

Silence again. She didn't try to defend or excuse him.

"Your name is Sarah," he said. "I knew you too. I loved you."

She had averted her eyes, but her face showed she was hurt.

"Who am I?" he asked.

"James Buchanan Barnes," she said.

"Bucky," he said. "Steve called me Bucky."

She nodded and turned back to him.

"Will I remember this the next time I wake?" he asked.

"No one's sure," she said.

"But it's the same each day?"

She nodded.

"I'm sorry," he said.

He thought of the dream, of Natalia, of this woman next to him. It wasn't the first time he'd dreamed of her, he was certain. He was equally certain she was more than his friend's mother. At least she was more to him. He glanced at the mirror on the wall. He knew there could be people behind it watching them and he felt the need to protect her from this fact. He wanted to know more, but everything told him that he should not ask now, not when they could be heard. He thought they must have been like him and Natalia, a secret. She didn't act like she'd been his lover at all, but he was sure she had.

"What do you call me?" he asked.

There was a sad look on her face as she answered.

"Love."


	5. My Favorite Mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sarah's pov

Sarah stared into the mirror as she brushed her hair. She felt older than she looked, and these days she thought she looked very old. She'd never been concerned with her appearance in this way. Her blonde hair hid the few grey hairs that were starting to fill out her head. She had wrinkles, but they were from smiles and laughter, not only age. Her eyes were still bright and hadn't dimmed at all. But now, she was beginning to feel it. And with those feelings came a new critique of her appearance.  
  
Having Bucky back had brought all this on. Seeing him each day now for three months as he slowly improved, as he went from waking each day not remembering one event from the previous, to now, knowing his memories and that they were his, had proven more difficult than she would like to admit.  
  
At first he'd only had an inkling of what they had been. She could see it in his eyes as he studied her, watching her, gauging her conversation for lies. But now he knew. And now there was a wariness where there had been developing trust. As if he questioned how he'd ever become romantically involved with his best friend's mother.

* * *

April 1938

  
" _Don't worry about it, mac. It's just a birthday. I've already had nearly 40 of them."_  
  
_They were in the hospital again, Steve had caught a cold that had turned into pneumonia that had turned into another life threatening moment. But now he was on the mend._  
  
_He glanced over at Bucky and the two exchanged looks that told Sarah they already had planned._  
  
_"You two," she said and shook her head._  
  
_She kissed Steve's forhead and followed Bucky out. When they arrived at her apartment Sarah was surprised as Bucky pulled a small cake from the icebox. Sarah shook her head._  
  
_"Chocolate is an unnecessary expense, you know that."_  
  
_"It's your birthday, and it's not that much of an expense."_  
  
_"But you have school to pay for."_  
  
_Bucky looked at her with mock exasperation._  
  
_"Mrs. Rogers, just enjoy the cake."_  
  
_She sat and Bucky cut it into thirds with the promise to sneak some into Steve later._  
  
_"You know, I'm a nurse so I shouldn't let you do that."_  
  
_Bucky laughed at her. She snuck things into Steve all the time grumbling that doctors invented most of the things they said about certain foods being bad for Steve. That had started when one doctor told her Steve's colorblindness was most likely a result of eating too many apples._  
  
_They finished the cake and Bucky cleaned the plates as they chatted. Then turned on the wireless and began to move the table to the side of the room._  
  
_"So we can dance," he told her when she asked him why._  
  
_The logical side, the side that normally ruled her, the side that kept her calm in the face of all Steve's health crisis, the side that opened her mouth to tell every man 'no' who'd asked her for a date or just straight out proposed marriage because she was a single woman and couldn't possibly raise a child alone, that side was oddly silent. For the first time since she and Joseph ran off to the courthouse to marry, Sarah already a month pregnant with Steve, she gave into that impulsive nature which used to rule her._  
  
_Bucky twirled her around the room. They laughed and Sarah couldn't remember the last time she'd felt this good. Being with Bucky had become a balm more than it should be, she knew. While he'd always been around for Steve and visited at his bedside, over the past year he'd been that for Sarah too. Sarah would sometimes chastise herself for leaning on a boy for help, but Bucky had just turned 21 and with the way the girls ran after him it was obvious he was no longer a boy. It was equally obvious that soon one of those girls would catch his eye and he'd settle down. Then his friendship with Steve would be forced to change. And Sarah definitely couldn't imagine a wife being happy with way the Bucky was with Sarah. It was selfish, but Sarah hadn't allowed herself to be selfish since the day she learned Joseph had died in combat._  
  
_She and Bucky were dancing to a slow song now and while she'd been lost in her thoughts, he'd pulled her closer, her head leaned against his chest and the arm that had been at her waist now wrapped around her._  
  
_"You worry too much, Mrs. Rogers," he said._  
  
_Sarah could have sworn that it was not his cheek he'd pressed against the top of her head. But she didn't help matters by sighing contentedly and holding him more tightly. He sighed in return and let go of her hand to wrap both arms around her. The announcer began his advertisement and they stilled. She looked up at him and should have been more worried about the look in his eyes. It wasn’t the first time she'd seen it, but she realized he was finally going to act on it._  
  
_His hand slid up her arm slowly. She could have pulled back, she could have stopped it. But she allowed herself to give into the feeling of being spellbound as their gazes held. He cupped her chin and leaned down. Her eyes fluttered shut as he pressed his lips to her. It was then that the panic started. This was wrong. He was nearly 20 years younger, he was her son's best friend, his mother was one of her closest friends, she'd known him since he was a lad._  
  
_"Please, Sarah, whatever your fears, don't make this about our age or what people will think."_  
  
_His lips hovered above her own, his breath was a gentle brush against her skin._  
  
_"If you don't think I can love you the way you need, if you don't think I can give you the support you need, if you don't think I can handle Steve's illnesses, let it be about that. Those things I can accept, a flaw in myself I can agree to, but not what others will think, not how different we are in age."_  
  
_He kissed her again and Sarah responded by tightening her grip on him._

* * *

  
A knock at her bedroom door pulled her out of her memories.  
  
"Mum are you about ready?"  
  
It was Peggy. She was to drive her to see Bucky today.  
  
"Almost lass. I'll meet you downstairs," she said through the door before returning to the mirror. She'd been crying again and she'd have to touch up her makeup.  
  
An hour later they were in the elevator descending to Bucky’s underground room. He still wasn't well enough to go out, a fact that bothered Sarah. Howard was working on a place for him that would be more suitable but it would be abother six months at least. The secrecy was at wartime level and the whole thing was taking on a surreal feel to Sarah.  
  
Steve was with Bucky. That was an improvement. The first few weeks, Steve couldn't be near him because Bucky would rage. From what they could tell he'd been brainwashed then programmed to kill, in the most recent case, to kill Steve. Slowly they'd worked through that and now he could handle visits from Steve a few times a week. Peggy often sat with him. She had plenty of questions and Bucky had become more open to talking. Giving information that apparently turned out to be good intel. At least that's what the hushed voices of Peggy and Daniel conveyed.  
  
Howard came by to look at the odd mechanical prosthetic that had been given him where he'd lost his arm. He'd take notes, then go back to his lab.  
  
Daniel would speak with Bucky at times. He seemed to be gauging the threat the man might be to Peggy. Sarah wasn't daft, she could see that Daniel still had a softness for Peggy, the same as he'd had when they'd first met. Sarah had hoped it would develop into something, but Peggy felt betrayed by Daniel, then Steve returned. It had been somewhat of an emotional mess for her for a while.  
  
Daniel met them, as always, when the elevator doors opened. Sarah waited with him as Peggy went in to talk with Steve and Bucky for a time. Bucky was in a secured private room now. No one sided mirror, no recording devices. It was hoped it would develop his trust for the SSR.  
  
"Things are looking good," Daniel said.  
  
"They seem to be," she said.  
  
She really wasn't sure. There were still too many unknowns.  
  
"How are things at home?" She asked.  
  
"Good," he said.  
  
Sarah nodded. And no one who happened to hear would have known their words had nothing to do with Daniel's home life or family.  
  
The door to Bucky's room opened and Peggy and Steve emerged.  
  
"Mom, he wants to talk with you alone." Stave said.  
  
"He agreed to be restrained," Peggy added.

Sarah didn't like that at all. 

"Why can't he speak to me with you in the room, Stephen? At least then he wouldn't have to be tied down."

"He insisted, mom. It's his choice and, well. He hasn't had a lot of choices lately..." 

Steve  shrugged. 

Sarah couldn't hide the pain when she saw him. He sat in a chair which had been bolted to the floor. (SSR furniture tended to be though Peggy and Mr. Jarvis would only shrug and give each other kowing looks when she asked.) His arms were bound at his wrists and elbows and his legs were bound at his ankles and knees. There was a binding around his chest and one across his lap.

The door shut behind her before he spoke.

"It's for the best, love," he said.

It was the first time he'd called her that since they'd brought him home. She wondered if the thought of their relationship made him angry. Was that why he felt the need to be bound when he was alone with her? She recalled his screams that first day telling her not to touch him. Had he remembered then? 

She took the chair farthest from him and sat stiffly as she waited for him to tell her.

"I haven't been able to tell you how beautiful you still are," he said.

She looked up at him, surprised.  She saw no anger in his eyes. He looked at her as he had for the few years they'd had together. 

"I'm sorry for what happened," he said. "I should never have left."

"No, love, you were young, you had to go. It wouldn't have looked right if you'd stayed."

"You were right, though. Killing a man isn't as easy as we like to think." He said.

He was quiet as he gathered his thoughts. Sarah watched his face, once so full of life, so full of joy, that she couldn’t help but smile and feel that same fullness when she saw him. Now, his face was more etched with years than hers. His eyes had pain in them instead of happiness. It made her weep each night when she returned home.

"I've hurt so many people. So many people are dead because of what I became."

"What you were forced to become."

Sarah couldn't let him blame himself for what HYDRA and the Red Room had done to him.

"That doesn't really matter. The memories of the murders are in my head. They're a part of me now."

"Do you want to make a confession? I'm no priest."

"No, I just want to tell you I wish we could go back, could have what we did, that I could..."

He was seized with emotion and his sobs began to convulse his body. As the tears began to roll down his cheeks Sarah stood to move to him.

"No!" 

His yell startled Sarah. He hadn't yelled at her since the first day when he'd made her stop touching him. Maybe there was something about being touched that hurt him, that reminded him what HYDRA and the Red Room  had done to him.

When he finally spoke again, his words were halted and stuttered as he spoke in gasps between sobs.

"I don't deserve your touch."

Sarah hadn't cried in front of him since he'd returned. She'd tried to be strong for him the way she always had been for Steve when he was in the hospital or horribly ill at home. Now she couldn't stop herself. The tears poured out as she slowly moved toward Bucky. His head hung down as if in shame. She knelt before him and laid her head on his lap and wrapped her arms around his legs.

"Sarah."

"Shh, love."

After a moment, she reached up for his hand. He grasped hers in return. Then she knelt before him and began to unstrap his bonds.

"Sarah, no, the emotions are too much right now. I'm not sure I can trust myself."

"Well, then, you'll have to trust me because I need more than this. After all this time, after all the loss..."

Neither spoke again and Sarah unstrapped each. When she finished Bucky sank out of the chair and they clung to each other on the floor. When their tears were spent Bucky pulled Sarah into his lap and stroked her hair.

"I never thought I'd see you again. When I fell I thought of all you'd lost, of how you feared that you'd lose me and Steve to the war. And you did. I'm so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you."

Sarah pressed deeper into his embrace. And they sat in silence again.

After awhile Bucky spoke. 

"I think my legs are falling asleep."

They laughed together for the first time as they stood and Sarah led them to the bed. She lay half on top of him to make the fit on the small matress.

"I hope no one walks in right now. We had more privacy in your old apartment. "

She smiled at the memories his words invoked. 

"I've missed you." 

She laid on the bed with him until his breathing was calm.

"I should go and let you rest."

She pushed herself up, one hand on his chest.

"I think I'll get some good sleep knowing you don't hate me like I thought you would."

He raised his flesh hand to stroke her cheek and she leaned into it.

"I could never hate you. What you did wasn't you. I don't understand how they made it happen, but they forced you, and that's all I need to know."

"I still have a reckoning."

Sarah hated to be reminded of that. At this point his recovery was kept as secret as possible. But Daniel had warned them that due to the nature of the situation, it was possible that at some point Bucky could be tried in international court.

She nodded and stood. Bucky took her hands in his before she left. 

"I still love you, Sarah Rogers."

"Even with my makeup ruined? "

He dropped her hands and walked over thos his small sink. He wet one of the towels and rung it out before returning and wiping her face. When he finished he leaned down and pressed his lips to hers as tender as the first time.

"Now you look perfect." He said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that happened more quickly than I planned. Guess what they say about the muse is true.


	6. Stand by Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Bucky's thoughts are still a bit convoluted, jumping around a lot and stuff. Hopefully I was able to convey that and you are thoroughly confused by the end. ;D Just kidding. But that is what I was going for, just in case you wonder why my grammar and structure sucks even more than usual. ;)

Bucky pressed against the door as he closed it behind Sarah. He hadn't wanted her to leave. But this was definitely like old times. He'd hated it then, but he'd been young and invincible. Even when he left for the war he truly thought he'd come back to her. He'd told her he was realistic, that he understood the danger, but he promised himself he'd come back to her and Steve.  
  
And when he did, things would be different. He'd move them out of New York. Maybe they'd go down to Florida or out to Californian, some place warm, some place Steve wouldn't get sick all the time. He'd get a job. They'd have a little house. Steve could get a place nearby. He'd marry Sarah in a proper church wedding. It'd have to be Unitarian or something along those lines. Maybe the Quakers would allow it. No need for either of them to convert but not some quick trip to the Justice of the Peace in her Sunday best. A good and proper wedding dress. He'd be in a tux. Steve would be his best man.  
  
Bucky groaned and pushed off the door. He had been an idiot. Maybe he wasn't as mature as he'd liked to think back then.  
  
There was another knock at his door and Steve entered.  
  
"Everything OK?"  
  
Steve must have heard him yell earlier.  
  
"Yeah, I just...your mom is a very forgiving person."  
  
He didn't know what else to say, what reason to give for Sarah unfastening his bonds.  
  
Steve nodded.  
  
"I was gonna leave with them, is that OK?"  
  
"Yeah, that's good. I have a lot to think about."  
  
Steve watched him for another minute before finally saying goodnight and exiting the room.  
  
Bucky fell on the bed face down in the pillow where Sarah had laid her head only minutes earlier. It was real. She was real. His memories were real. And she didn't hate him.  
  
So many things he'd feared. That his mind might be making up their relationship. It just seemed so unlikely that he'd stand a chance with Steve's mother. He'd been his best friend.  
  
But the memories became sharper, more vivid. They weren't just dreams. They were real.  
  
But it didn't change things. He couldn't go back to being that man who thought he'd break society's molds by marrying outside his religion, by marrying an older woman, settling down, maybe even lucking out and having a kid or two. That hope was gone, especially that last one. Sarah was nearly 50 now. Bucky'd heard women talk before. 50 year old women couldn't have kids.  
  
And the former, the idea of marrying the woman of his dreams, that was gone now too. He knew he was bound to spend the rest of his life in prison, if they didn't rule to hang him. Hanging was better than what he deserved. And that's the part Sarah didn't see, the part Steve was ignoring, the part he saw in Peggy's and Daniel's eyes when they visited. He might have been returned to them, but it would barely be enough time to make right the things he wanted for Sarah and Steve.  
  
He didn't visit alone with Sarah again. He didn't trust himself not to take advantage of the situation knowing how short his time was. And that had been their whole relationship before, taking advantage of every moment they could steal. For four years, until he left for the war, they'd been successful at keeping their secret, stolen moments in her apartment when Steve was away, either in the hospital or at school, a small attic apartment in Queens rented by "James Buchanan" for when he was in town on "business" his wife always traveling with him, his and Steve's place the year before the war.  
  
Yet, for all he felt for Sarah, for all his good and pleasurable memories of her, his favorites were none of those. His favorites were the soft thankful smiles she'd give him as he took her hand in his when Steve slept in his hospital bed and they sat beside, the way she relaxed into his arms as they comforted each other.  


* * *

  
  
_Bucky picked up the book from Steve's bedside table. His friend had sent him to the apartment to bring it back to the hospital. He looked around the room. It seemed to him Steve was spending more time in a hospital room than at home.  It was hard to watch someone with such a strong spirit slowly be consumed by his weak body._  
  
_Bucky shook the thoughts from his head. He wanted to get back before Mrs. Rogers came to see Steve after work. Steve said it was easier for her knowing they weren't alone in this._  
  
_The door to the apartment opening surprised him. He looked out and saw Sarah place her purse on one of the kitchen chairs. He was about to say something when she leaned her hands against the back of the chair, her head bowed. Her shoulders began to shake in quiet sobs. Bucky was stunned. He'd never seen Mrs. Rogers cry before. She was always so strong. She argued with doctors without so much as a crack in her voice. She sat at Steve's bedside and comforted Bucky when he worried. But now she was crying, and he was witness to it. He wanted to shrink back into the shadows of Steve's room. Maybe she'd never notice he was there._  
  
_Instead he did something that when he looked back would be the pivotal moment in his relationship with Sarah, he went to her._  
  
_"Mrs. Rogers? "_  
  
_Though his voice was quiet, she startled. She wiped her face with her handkerchief as she turned around._  
  
_"Bucky, lad, what are you...?"_  
  
_Her words were halted as Bucky placed a hand on her arm and looked at her compassionately._  
  
_"Steve sent me for a book," he said._  
  
_He placed his other hand on her other arm and now he was only inches away._  
  
_"I'm sorry, I didn't expect anyone."_  
  
_"Don't worry about it. I cry about Steve, too."_  
  
_She smiled up at him and for a moment she seemed as fragile to him as Steve. He could hear his mother's voice in his head, going on about how Bucky was always looking out for the people around him, how he had a gift for knowing how to help people who hurt, from his sisters to Steve to a random stranger on a train. And his list of strays and hurt animals he nursed in the breezeway outside their apartment was comparable._  
  
_How had he missed Mrs. Rogers' pain? She had comforted him so often, who comforted her?_  
  
_He pulled her into his arms. Her breathing was shaky as she tried to control herself. Bucky smoothed one hand up and down her back._  
  
_They left together 30 minutes later to see Steve. Bucky was very aware of the radical shift in their relationship, but he didn't know at the time what exactly it meant, and he definitely never suspected where it would lead._

* * *

  
The weeks passed. The doctors came to see him, through a glass partition, Bucky chained to the chair. He didn't tell Sarah about that. He could tell she was still upset about him voluntarily being bound just to see her alone. But Sarah didn't understand. Even as the weeks passed, she and Steve couldn't see his future. Or maybe they just decided to ignore it. He really couldn't blame them. As his memories returned slowly, Bucky wanted nothing more than for things to be as they had been.  
  
Peggy knew. He could see the strain when she visited him with Steve. She had no attachment to Bucky, but she loved Steve, she'd been there for him and pulled him out of his self-loathing and despair after he watched Bucky fall to his presumed death. She'd lost Steve and had him returned to her. Bucky was certain she didn't want to repeat any of those scenarios.  
  
Daniel Sousa mentioned lawyers and legal options. Howard waved a hand carelessly and assured Bucky that would be taken care of then dove into a mind-numbing discussion of the physics of Bucky's metal arm.  
  
None of them, not even Bucky, could have foreseen his salvation coming from HYDRA itself.


	7. The Deepest Cut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve POV

Steve hated this. And Steve had never been able to hide his feelings. He sulked, Peggy's word, in his chair at the table in the interrogation room. He stared at a small divot in the table and gripped his hands into fists at his sides.  
  
He couldn't be angry at Peggy, so he had to be angry at Daniel. Peggy wanted to interview Bucky without restraints or barriers, but Daniel didn't trust Bucky alone with anyone, least of all Peggy. So his solution was to have Steve present during Peggy's interviews of Bucky.  
  
This meant Steve had to hear things that made him angry, angry to the point of Howard trying to design a super-soldier proof punching bag.  
  
What Bucky had experienced and the hands of HYDRA and then the Red Room made Steve want to take the fight to them. Only this was not WW2, this was a so-called Cold War. The lines drawn might have been metaphorical but they were solid barriers and Steve couldn't simply crash through the Iron Curtain and burn the Red Room to the ground.  
  
So he took it out on punching bags in their basement, and in long midnight runs on the beach. Last week he'd run all the way to San Diego and back in only a few hours.

Bucky was recounting his most previous interaction with his captors when he'd been assigned to kill Steve. Steve was trying to restrain himself from breaking the table in front of him into kindling. Steve hadn't wanted to know how Bucky was "re-programmed" between missions, he didn't want to know the details of the torture. Not only could he not get it out of his mind, he hated going back home and facing his mother with this knowledge.

Sarah wanted to help Bucky but Steve didn't want her to know that he was beginning to wonder if that was possible. How does one come back to operate in civil society when one has had so much evil committed against him? How could they help him re-acclimate if even his nightmares were so awful his screams could be heard on the next level of the building?

So Steve sat and imagined himself going against orders, because when had that ever failed him, and finding a way into the Soviet Union, sneaking through the forest, finally coming upon the main Red Room facility, killing each person there with his bare hands, then tearing the building apart until no stone was left unturned. It was a helpful fantasy, even if Peggy wouldn't have approved.

And what was with that anyway? His mind began to drift into an argument he saw looming on the horizon between himself and his wife. She'd been the one to encourage him to go after the 107th. He'd had no back up, no real plan, but she had been the one to help him. Now she was the one holding him back, telling him they needed more information, that they couldn't just drop him behind enemy lines and let him do what he did best. He'd listened, for now, but the more he learned from Bucky, the less likely he was going to continue to follow her orders.

Steve was trying to get back to his fantasy of ripping Red Room agents limb from limb when a word rolled off Bucky's tongue that caused him to jerk up his head and give his friend a surprised look.

"Zola?"

Steve wasn't sure he'd heard right.

Bucky looked back at him as if Steve should know.

"Of course," he said.

Steve looked at Peggy but she seemed as surprised as he at the news.

"Arnim Zola?"

Peggy's voice was calm.

"That's impossible, he's in prison here in the States."

Danial shifted uncomfortably in his seat and Steve and Peggy looked at him.

"Oh, god, Daniel, no."

Peggy's voice was still calm but it had taken hard edge and Steve could see that Daniel knew that tone as well as Steve did.

"I'm sorry, Peggy. It was need to know only."

"And you didn't think Stephen and I needed to know?"

The argument escalated quickly, though the two remained seated. Bucky watched them, obviously trying to figure out how Peggy thought Zola was in prison when he'd been with Bucky in the Soviet Union and other places over the past year. No one noticed Steve until he stood.

"You let Zola out?"

Steve's teeth were clenched together. He knew both Bucky and Peggy were aware he was about to snap. The next seconds seemed like forever. Peggy quickly grabbed Daniel and stood between him and Steve, while Bucky grabbed Steve to try to restrain him. Steve pushed Bucky off easily and the table he'd wanted to splinter for weeks crashed against the wall.

"You let him go? No one even watching him? How could you trust him after everything he did?"

As Steve spoke he tried to figure out how to get Peggy out of his way without hurting her. But then Bucky's body crashed into his and they slammed against the wall leaving it concaved where they'd impacted.

Peggy used the distraction to remover herself and Daniel from the room.

Bucky held Steve down until his breathing turned shaky and his voice was raspy from his screams. 

"Bucky, I'm so sorry. I had no idea."

He leaned back against the wall and grabbed Bucky by the shoulder.

Bucky shook his head.

"Stop blaming yourself, Steve. None of this is your fault."

"I didn't know they'd let Zola out. I didn't know he was free to do whatever he wanted and free to go wherever he wanted."

The thought that the vile little man whose capture had caused Bucky's presumed death was wondering the world free turned his stomach.

"I should have killed him."

Steve's voice was a whisper.

"And what would that have helped? He wasn't the only member of HYDRA to live."

"You were always there for me. Always saving my ass from my own stupidity."

"You weren't stupid, Steve. You were standing up to bullies. And what do you call this? Look around. I'm here. You did save me."

"Not in time."

Bucky sighed in exasperation. 

"Steve, I swear. Stop beating yourself up."

He sat next to Steve and leaned back on the wall.

"I have a kid."

Steve hadn't wanted to tell him. He was afraid it might hurt Bucky somehow.

"We named him after you."

They were both quiet after that until Bucky spoke up.

"I hope the name does him good, maybe give him some sense. Lord knows he'll need it with you and Peggy as his parents."

Steve laughed.

"Yeah, Howard says he worries for the future."

"Ha! I'd worry more for the future if Howard ever had a kid."

They both laughed at that thought. Steve had a very hard time picturing Howard with a child. He barely took notice of Jamie, usually more irritated by the child's presence and questions.

Finally Steve asked the question he dreaded the answer to.

"Do you feel like it's getting better?"

Bucky nodded his head.

"Yeah. I thought talking about it would make it worse, but I want you guys to be able to do something, use the information to help fight against the Red Room."

Another moment of silence lapsed before Steve spoke.

"I wish you could come home."

Bucky tensed.

"I can't, you know that. To the world, I'm dead. To my folks, my sisters, I'm gone."

"Most people think I'm dead."

"Not HYDRA."

And that brought Steve right back to where they'd started.

"They must have Zola working for them."

"The SSR?" Bucky asked.

Steve nodded.

"What are you going to do?"

Bucky sounded concerned.

"NothIn'."

"Nothin'?"

Bucky didn't sound like he believed Steve.

"I won't have to. Peggy is probably taking care of it right now."

Bucky smiled, then started to laugh. Steve joined him.

"Poor Daniel."

But Bucky didn't sound like he really was sympathetic. 

"Yeah, never thought I'd feel sorry for the guy."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to end so abruptly but I need to see what's going on between Peggy & Daniel. Hint: It's probably not going to be pretty.


	8. Say Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peggy's POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took a long time to write and is very long. Just FYI.

Peggy sat across the desk from Daniel in his office. There was a tension in the air that was intensified by a glowering Colonel Philips and a pacing Howard Stark.  
  
"I cannot believe we fought an entire war to bring these people down only to take them into our confidence and give them their freedom."  
  
Howard didn't usually rant about this sort of thing, but learning that Barnes had lived and had been serving HYDRA and the Red Room all the years since the war had upset him more than even Peggy had thought it would.  
  
Daniel didn't respond, whether because he had no real answer or because he had been told to remain silent wasn't clear.  
  
But the most unusual thing about the situation was that Philips tolerated Howard's behavior. This was the sort of thing he usually shut down with a barking order and a glare. Instead he sat in his chair, bore holes with his eyes through Daniel, and gripped his uniform hat as if it was the only thing keeping him from doing something he shouldn't.  
  
It had been three days since Bucky's revelation that Zola had been with him giving orders. Peggy had contacted Phillips whose first reaction was "I should have shot the bastard when I had him."  
  
Peggy wasn't without understanding of the situation. They all made decisions during the war and in this business that normal people and normal circumstances would find appalling. But incorporating a high level Hydra scientist into the SSR and the US government was beyond what she could personally stomach. If they hadn't recovered Barnes they might never have known and Peggy hated to think of the damage that man could have done. Now they would have to review every employee particularly anyone who worked with Zola.  
  
"How many do we suspect so far?"  
  
Peggy asked after Howard was burned out and had leaned against the far wall.  
  
"We've confirmed five so far."  
  
Daniel's voice was grim. At least he was taking the situation seriously.  
  
"You know we can't deal with this in house, Daniel."  
  
Peggy watched as Daniel closed his eyes and nodded concession.  
  
"What do you plan to do?"  
  
Before Peggy could answer Daniel, Howard interjected.  
  
"I'll tell you what we'll do..."  
  
"Stark!"  
  
Colonel Philips cut Howard off. It was a relief to Peggy. She wasn't sure how much to trust Daniel with.  
  
There was a moment of tense silence while they waited for the colonel to speak.  
  
"Keep this investigation as close to the chest as you can, Sousa. I will be in touch with Carter."  
  
With that he stood and Peggy watched him leave, Howard following after.  
  
The silence that followed was worse than earlier. Finally Daniel shifted in his seat.  
  
"Peggy, I."  
  
"I swear to god, Daniel, if you apologize one more time I will kick your ass."  
  
Daniel winced whether it was at her swearing or not Peggy didn't know. And she no longer cared. She had played things carelessly with Daniel up to now. She had somehow hoped that despite what had transpired between them before Steve returned, that they could work amiably together. She thought they'd achieved that. Of course, she also thought she'd long ago earned his trust in these matters.  
  
"Is there anything else I should know?"  
  
Peggy knew there must be. This couldn't have been the only thing.  
  
Daniel shook his head and leaned back to pull his keys out of his pocket. He used one of the smaller to open one of the drawers of his desk then pulled out several file folders and handed them to her.  
  
"That's most of them."  
  
Peggy took them and looked at the tabs.  
  
"And the rest?"  
  
She wasn't impatient. She knew he had to be cautious as he gathered the information they needed. It would take some time.  
  
"There are a few more. They're more tightly guarded so it will take a while longer."  
  
Peggy watched him a moment. She'd been studying Daniel since they came to California. Maybe because of what she saw as his betrayal. Not that she'd trusted him beforehand, and she'd thought maybe if she had things would have been different.  
  
"What is there that you're not telling us?"  
  
Daniel looked at her and studied her in return before he spoke.  
  
"There are some things, some of the case files that I can't share with you."  
  
She didn't reply immediately. This was that moment she thought both of them had been expecting. Would she trust him in a way he hadn't entirely trusted her when she needed it?  
  
"Do you trust the people involved?"  
  
He nodded.  
  
She wondered if he'd been compromised at some level. Worried that if she didn't have it all to sift through herself...but, no, that tight of control smacked of something dictatorial that went against her nature.  
  
She nodded and took the files and put them into her attache.  
  
As Jarvis drove her home she perused the files of the compromised agents and ops. It was a bloody mess and she was beyond frustrated. She and Phillips and Stark were to leave for Washington in the morning and the situation still wasn't under control enough.  
  
She only hoped that the facade of ignorance was holding. Daniel had verbally ceded control of LA operations to Peggy and was fully cooperating with her and Phillips. She wondered what the cases he withheld were but he had at least told her they existed.  
  
"Peggy."  
  
Jarvis' voice broke into her thoughts and Peggy looked up at him. It registered then that they were in front of her house.  
  
"Oh, sorry."  
  
Jarvis only offered an understanding smile and exited the car. He walked around to her door to open it for her as she gathered the documents.  
  
He walked with her into the house. It wasn't unusual, but Peggy knew that today it was for moral support. Things had been tense at home since the revelation that the SSR had secretly released Arnim Zola and had him under their employ. It was assumed that Zola knew it had been revealed. Once Bucky had been captured after the failed attempt on Steve, Peggy and Daniel assumed he'd gone under deep.  
  
They were still sifting through the files to determine exactly who was directly at fault. Peggy just couldn't imagine who would have thought Zola had changed sides and could now be an asset.  
  
The house was quiet. Peggy glanced at her watch. It was Jamie's naptime. She wondered where Steve and Sarah were. She missed the way their home had been an escape from the stress of work. But things had been difficult since they'd returned with Bucky.  
  
"I'll make something to eat. A sandwich?"  
  
Peggy turned to Jarvis with a thankful smile and a nod.  
  
She went straight to her office and put the files in the wall safe.  
  
"That won't help."  
  
Peggy jumped at the sound of Steve's voice.  
  
"A safe isn't going to stop me. If I want I can figure out the combination by listening. My hearing is that good."  
  
Peggy glared at him.  
  
"Well, then, your talents are wasted by the SSR, you should consider becoming a safe cracker. Lord knows there's more money and thrills in that."  
  
Steve only stared at her, a defiant look on his face as if she'd just dared him.  
  
"Oh, stop acting like a petulant child. Honestly, Steve, Jamie has better behavior."  
  
Jarvis came up behind Steve and he moved out of the way. Peggy took the offered plate and sat down at her desk.  
  
"Now, if you don't mind, it's been a long day. I haven't had time to eat."  
  
"No problem. I'll let you and _Jarvis_ get back to work."  
  
With that he stomped off. They heard the basement door open and shut. Moments later the sound of rhythmic hits against the bag reached their ears.  
  
"Do you think he'll do it? Break into the safe, I mean."  
  
Jarvis had already expressed his concerns to Peggy about bringing any information on the turncoats into the house.  
  
"I have to trust that he won't."  
  
She didn't see Steve again until dinner. Sarah kept up the conversation with Jamie as they ate and Peggy kept her focus on them. Steve was sullen and kept his eyes down.  
  
By the time she went upstairs to their bedroom that night, Steve was in bed, his back to her. Peggy could see the tension in his shoulders. She began to undress.  
  
"I can't do this."  
  
Steve's voice was quiet but tense.  
  
"Do what?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"For heaven's sake, Stephen, don't start a conversation you have no intention of finishing."  
  
Peggy's voice conveyed her anger and frustration with his behavior over the past weeks.  
  
Steve didn't turn to face her, he just responded in the same tone of voice.  
  
"I can't do nothing."  
  
She stared at him a moment before she realized he wasn't just slipping back into his Brooklyn-eze.  
  
"I can't sit by knowing what's out there. I can't handle the thought of those people doing more damage."  
  
Peggy closed her eyes. She felt for him, she really did. But...  
  
"Those days are over, Steve."  
  
"You keep saying that."  
  
She finished dressing for bed and laid down next to him.  
  
"I'm sorry you feel useless. But I'm not sorry the war is over."  
  
Steve turned over and pulled her into his arms. He didn't say anything more and after a few minutes he reached over and turned off the lamp. He began to pull his fingers through her hair and Peggy relaxed against him. They'd work through this. It would take some time, but Steve was not the type to let himself stay down for long.  
  
Peggy just hoped the apparently unspoken agreement she and those around them had regarding the worst of the information about the Red Room remained intact. She wasn't sure what Steve would do if he became aware the Communists had a program that kidnapped little girls and trained them to kill from childhood. But she knew no one would be able to stop him.  
  
The next morning Steve kissed her goodbye and told Jarvis to take care of her. Peggy looked at him, trying to determine the significance in his unusual request, but he only returned her gaze with sad eyes.  
  
The flight to DC was uneventful but troublesome.  Howard was silent for all but the most basic of conversation and necessary communication with the various airport towers where they stopped to refuel. Peggy reviewed the files they were going to present to the President and tried to keep her nerves down. It wasn't the first time she'd meet a world leader, but it was the first time she was going to have to deliver this level of bad news.

They arrived in the Capitol in the middle of the night. Howard had an apartment outside the city in Arlington they planned to stay in but Phillips had Jarvis drive them to a safe-house in Maryland instead. It was another reminder to Peggy just how serious their situation was. She'd been in worse, she reasoned, but it didn't help calm her nerves at all.

She just wanted to at least close her eyes even if she knew she wouldn't sleep, but that wasn't in Howard's plans. He set an attache on the dining table and pulled out a stack of papers. She and Phillips sat down and began to read through. In them she found Howard had written a detailed plan on the dismantling of the SSR and the creation of something called Strategic Hazard Intervention Espionage Logistics Directorate.*

"Howard this is..."

Peggy wasn't sure the best word. Amazing seemed to fall short.

"Exactly what we need to do."

Phillips voice sounded tired but sure.

"So, um, the name, Howard?"

Peggy raised an eyebrow with her question.

"Yeah, well, it fit."

"Yes, but if you look at the initials."

"I know, but I asked Steve and he said that it wouldn't matter since he was going public."

Peggy was sure the room began to spin. If she'd thought Bucky's revelation about Zola had thrown her for a loop, Howard's revelation that her husband had told him he was planning to reveal himself had pulled the whole floor from beneath her.

"He didn't tell you?"

Peggy could only shake her head as she stood to walk toward the room she'd dropped her bag in when they'd arrived. She shut the door and tried to keep herself from falling apart.

There was a soft knock at the door from, Peggy suspected, Jarvis.

"I don't want to talk right now."

She thought she'd done a rather good job of not allowing her voice to shake too terribly.

"I'm sure you don't but it's barely 11pm in California."

"I'm aware of the time difference, Jarvis."

Peggy really didn't want to speak with Steve right now either.

"There's a phone inside the car." **

Peggy sighed and pulled open the door.

Jarvis lead her out to the garage and stood at a distance after she shut the door and rang up the house.

"Hello."

For the first time she could ever recall, hearing Steve's voice didn't feel right at all.

"Howard told me you were going public."

Peggy's voice was short and to the point.

"Yeah, I, uh, I was going to talk to you about it, but I just didn't know how to tell you."

Steve sighed.

"Tell me?"

"Yeah, I didn't know how you'd take it."

"Well, I'd have taken it a hell of a lot better coming from you than second hand from Howard."

She tried to remain calm, but her anger began to ease into her conversation.

"And shouldn't we have discussed this first? Shouldn't I at least have some sort of say over having my entire life put on display."

"Why would that happen?"

Peggy shook her head even though Steve couldn't see.

"Steve, the world will learn your alive, they'll want details, they'll want interviews."

"We'll just tell them no."

She could almost see him shrug as if that was no big deal.

Peggy took a deep breath before she said things she would regret and not have time to deal with for several days.

"I don't have time for this right now, Steve. I have to see the President tomorrow and explain how most of my life's work needs to be torn down if not completely destroyed."

"I'm sorry."

She sighed at his words.

"I know, but Stephen, I just can't understand why this one thing you kept from me. It affects me. It affects Jamie. It affects your mother. Did you ever bother to think about that?"

Steve was silent for so long that Peggy thought the call was cut off.

"I'm just tired. I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of pretending. It's not who I am. I need to be who I am."

Peggy closed her eyes and leaned back in the seat.

"I understand that, Steve. But you can't just make a decision like that and not talk with me about it."

And that was what hurt the most. Steve had made an executive decision without her input. He'd never done such a thing. He had always been the type of person who appreciated her worth and took her feelings and opinions into consideration. This time, though, he was acting like a typical husband. The head of the household who made all the decisions while expecting the "little woman" to fall into line.***

"Look, we can talk about it when we get back."

She didn't know what else to say about it now. It was all too much.

They said their goodbyes and Peggy returned to her room. She undressed and fell into the bed with a quiet groan.

She'd never wanted to marry, not really. She watched her friends marry and fall into line behind their husbands. She watched them give up things they had loved because their husbands didn't approve, or didn't like it, or didn't think it was appropriate for their wife to do those things. She watched them forced to uproot their lives and move away from friends and family simply because their husband wanted to take a different job. All these without one thought to how their wife might feel, without any discussion between them.

Peggy had known Steve was different. Even before they married, after he'd been returned to them, he included her in his decisions. In fact, even his proposal hadn't been traditional. He'd never taken for granted that of course she'd marry him. He asked her by way of conversation, asking her what she'd like to do, if marrying him was something she actually wanted, if marrying him would fit into the plans she had already made for her life.

And now, out of nowhere, he had begun making decisions that would affect her as much as him, and he hadn't bothered to talk to her first.

Peggy had known she wouldn't sleep that night, but this wasn't exactly the reason she'd thought.

The next day Jarvis drove them back to the Capitol in a different car. When they pulled up to the White House they showed their IDs and were waved through. The security at the White House was much tighter than the last time she was here. It stood to reason. Everyone was becoming more paranoid about the Soviet threat.

The conversation with the President was tense. Colonel Philips did most of the talking since he was the highest ranked, and Howard was still sullen and still didn’t want to speak.

"I like what I see," President Truman said. "But your choice for Director will be a hard sell."

"Carter's more than proved herself."

Phillips' voice was casual but Peggy noted his tight grip on the arms of his chair. 

"I never thought of you as progressive."

The President looked thoughtfully at him.

"I let the woman go into battle against HYDRA during the war. I'm not sure how you missed it."

President Truman leaned back in his chair. 

"No offense against you or your performance, ma'am, but women have gained the right to vote, not run international spy organizations."

"Who would you propose?"

The President looked over at Philips after Peggy asked. But Philips shook his head.

"Not interested."

His voice was a little more tense now.

The President looked back at Peggy.

"What about your husband?"

 Stark snorted and the three looked at him.

"Good thing he's not here to hear you suggest that."

There was a pause, then Philips cleared his throat.

"Respectfully, Mr. President."

"You don't think he'd agree? I know he's requested his privacy, but considering the circumstances I would hope he'd reconsider."

"Steve would never stand in Peggy's way."

Howard looked at the President as if he was daring the man to contradict him. Peggy wanted to warn him that he could ruin everything if he didn't play this right. And disrespecting the President was definitely not right.

President Truman shook his head. 

"You always were an overconfident bas..., um, one, Stark."

He cleared his throat and leaned back toward the proposal on his desk. There was a blush of embarrassment on his face that Peggy knew came from almost swearing in front of her. Damn society and it's dictates. As if a woman would simply fall to pieces if she heard a swear word. Delicate ears and all that.

"OK, I'll discuss it with my people. Phillips, I want you there when I do."

He looked between Peggy and Howard.

"I know both of you are smart enough to know why you can't be there."

Peggy nodded. She wouldn't argue that point. She didn't need to hear the arguments against Howard's recommendation. She could well imagine what the men would say.

And the last thing any of them needed was for Howard to mouth off.

"The meeting is already scheduled for tomorrow, 0800. I'll go over this. Mark any recommendations I want to add or change."

The President stood so the group followed suit. 

"In the meantime, I'd prefer you were in a safe location. My men will escort you back and you can collect your things."

* * *

The country house they were set up in was nicely appointed, and well-guarded. Peggy knew of it's existence but had never needed to know more than that. It was far enough from the city that any car driving by would be significant. The guard at the gate reported on anyone who came near. Some of the other guards were in plain sight. She'd estimated the few that were hidden. But even she had to admit they were very good. She was certain there were several she couldn't see.

She called Steve but Sarah said he'd told her he had been called up for a mission. That wasn't the case, Peggy knew. So she wasn't surprised when the following night, Phillips returned to the house with Steve in tow.

Steve, for his part, appeared to be thoroughly chadtised. The look Philips gave him as he walked away told Peggy that he'd given Steve more than a few words of "advice."

Peggy stood on the porch. The guards continued their walks around the perimeter as Philips went inside.

"I, uh, wanted to apologize."

"So you flew all the way across the country? You've been around Howard too much. A phone call would have been adequate and expensive enough."

Steve huffed out a breath and shoved his hands in his pockets. He hunched over in a motion Peggy knew to be involuntary. He did this whenever he felt inadequate to carry the mantel of Captain America and wanted to shrink back ibto his former self with all its weaknesses and his ability to make himself unnoticed. 

Peggy grimaced and indicated for him to follow her. They walked up the stairs and Peggy led him to her sitting room. As she opened the door, Jarvis appeared in the hallway.

"Would you require any tea?"

Which Peggy was sure even Steve understood too be a code for "Is everything OK?"

"That would be helpful, thank you."

Jarvis simply nodded and went back down the hallway.

 Peggy settled on the loveseat, but Steve sat across from her in one of the chairs. He looked more distraught than she thought reasonable for what he'd done. He didn't speak until Jarvis retured with the tea and left yhem, pulling the door closed behind him.

"I don't know what to do anymore."

Peggy poured their tea as she waited for him to continue.

"In the war, everything made sense. There was good and there was evil. The good faught the evil. Now, I don't know what to do."

Peggy weighed her words before answering.

"Is this about you, or is this about Barnes?"

Steve didn't look surprised by her question. He poured some cream into his tea and stared hard at it.

"Even before Bucky, I just, well, I get this sense that whatever it is that Captain America was, isn't enough. At least not now."

Peggy looked at him as he waited for her reply. He wanted words of wisdom, encouragement. 

"You are more than Captain America, Steve."

Her voice was soft and she hoped he'd understand. 

"To you, maybe. To Bucky, my mom, Jamie. But to everyone else, that's all I am. And now, with no war to fight, at least not the way I fight..."

Steve sighed and leaned back into his chair.

"For as long as I can remember, I just wanted to do the right thing. I don't know if I know what that is anymore."

Peggy reached over and tugged at his hand to get him to move next to her, which he finally did.

"I know we like to think it's all either good or evil, and often it is. But fighting the bad isn't always about a physical fight. I know it was in Brooklyn, and mostly how it was in the war. And I know that's how you're made. There are still times for it, but, Steve, it's not all the time. Even in the war, it wasn't always a physical battle. We had spies and informants, there were people who had to make the decision not to use physical violence so they could maintain their covers."

Steve leaned toward her and pulled her into his arms. He took a shuddering breath and Peggy stilled. She wondered how she'd missed his struggle. Steve was an open book. His face usually told her everything she needed to know. Maybe she'd been too busy. Maybe she was working too much. Maybe she should call Howard and tell him she wasn't interested in heading up SHIELD. 

"I'm sorry. I should have told you about what I was planning. I shouldn't have made the decision by myself."

He pulled away and gave her an earnest look. 

"I love you. I don't want to rule you."

Peggy smirked and Steve chuckled at her look.

"As if anyone ever could."

He pulled away slowly.

"I suppose the tea is getting tepid. We ought to drink it."

But Peggy put her hand on his arm as he attempted to reach his cup.

"Do you want me to take time off work?"

She might as well get the question out of the way.

Steve shook his head.

"No, what you do is too important."

"You're important as well, Steve."

Steve gave her a small smile.

"Then keep working. I like watching you work. What you do makes me proud."

Peggy studied him a moment before replying.

"I suppose there's still a small part of me that's terrified you're going to be like all the other men and I'll have to stay home and join a Bridge club while you go out and conquer the world."

Steve laughed at that. The first real laugh she'd heard him give in months.

"The picture of you in a neighborhood Bridge club is too much."

He pulled her close and kissed her lips, though he was still laughing. Then he rested his head to hers gently.

She considered pursuing an avenue of making up but they'd be expected for dinner.

"Steve, maybe you should just focus on Bucky for a while."

She felt him stiffen and before she could even wonder she felt him convulse. He pulled her into a tight embrace and buried his head against her neck. Soon she could feel his tears on her skin. She held him and stroked his back.

She should have expected this. But Steve seemed to be holding up for the most part. Bucky was improving and there was beginning to be talk of him being released if not permanently at least for several hours each day. Daniel was inclined to believe that Bucky might be pardoned due to his valuable intel, which was really just political jargon for the SSR fucked up badly and it's better to make nice than have the truth revealed to too many people.

"What they did to him."

Steve took a deep breath and pulled away to lean back in the seat.

"It's too much to think about. But I can't stop. I want to help him but I really wish I didn't know all the facts."

He let his head fall back and stared at the ceiling for a long time while Peggy waited.

"Why him? He never hurt anyone. He was always looking out for others and helping them. He used to pick up stray animals and bring them home. When we were kids, we'd sit on the steps of the school and he'd feed his lunch to the stray dogs or he'd give it to some guy he knew didn't have any food. When we were 10, he found this baby bird that had fallen out of the nest. It was hopping around on the sidewalk. We couldn't find the nest so he took it home and tried to feed it. Eventually the poor thing starved to death. Bucky cried for days. Every time he saw the same type of bird he'd mention the one he couldn't save.

"If he'd had money, he could have been a doctor or a veterinarian. But that wasn't practical so he went to school to be an architect. He figured he'd build things that would help people, you know, hospitals and stuff."

Steve was quiet again and when he spoke it was barely a whisper.

"Why him? He didn't deserve it. Why couldn't it have been me instead?"

Peggy reached over and took his hand. There was no use arguing with him and there was no conversation to be had. Steve needed to talk and while Peggy wasn't the greatest listener when it came to emotional things, she realized this was important. Steve wasn't feeling self-pity or self-hatred. She knew he loved Bucky enough that he would gladly have traded places with him, even knowing what it would mean for him.

"You are an amazing man, Stephen. I'm very fortunate you took a shine to me."

Steve turned his head slowly and where Peggy expected to find either sadness or softness she saw humor.

"You're fortunate?"

He look turned mischievous.

"How could any fella NOT take a shine to you?"

"Well, I've been told I can be rather willful and obstinate. Those are not things a man generally looks for in a wife."

"Yeah? Well, I guess that's just lucky for me, huh? Because I think I spent my whole life looking for someone exactly like you only I didn't know it until I met you."

Peggy smiled at that.

"I'm sorry you had to hear about what Barnes endured. I wish that he hadn't had to go through all that. But he is back with us now and hopefully he can have some peace now."

Steve nodded then pulled Peggy's hand to his lips and pressed them against her knuckles. He pulled away only a few centimeters then breathed out sending a shiver up Peggy's spine.

"Don't start that now. Dinner's going to be served shortly."

Peggy was going to attempt to be adamant.

"Later?" Steve asked.

Peggy smiled and stood, pulling Steve up behind her.

"Come on, let's get dressed for dinner."

Steve pulled her back to him and kissed her gently. It was long enough that Peggy felt herself melting against him as his hand began to travel down her back.

When he finally loosened his grip and stepped back they were both breathless.

"I think I really am the lucky one." Steve said.

"Maybe we both are."

A loud rap at the door made them both jump.

"Come on you lovebirds, enough of this. It's time for supper."

"Howard." Peggy and Steve groaned in unison.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A tidbit of info I discovered...There were car phones in the 40s already. St. Louis, then Chicago (I think). I figured it was something Stark would definitely have. 
> 
> Sorry for any errors. I've spent so long writing this and editing it that I think it all just blends in together now.

**Author's Note:**

> Some basic info...they found Steve between the first and second seasons of Agent Carter. If I recall correctly, Howard told Peggy he wasn't going to look anymore. I'll have to watch that episode again and maybe offer up an explanation. I won't really cover a lot of what happened in the show, just a small bit, because the main part of the story takes place much later.
> 
> Also, that was an attempt at Gaelic between Sarah and Steve. Momai is Mommy, Mac is son. There is no "yes" in Gaelic you repeat the word or phrase to say yes, it's like Latin, which I also know nothing about, but that's what Wikipedia told me.


End file.
